Hopelessly Addicted? My Arse!

Hopelessly Addicted

God I’m pissed off with the concept of addiction. This week it emerged that the fastest growing sector of the “hopelessly addicted and need help” market is eBay addict support groups and telephone lines. The human race seems to be in the clutches of a whole host of new addictions. No longer does addiction concern only hard drugs, cigarettes and alcohol. These days we have gambling addicts, shopping addicts, porn addicts, TV addicts, junk food addicts and a million other supposed forms of addiction and pseudo-psychologists ready to cash in with a fancy name for such “disorders.” Personally I think there is only one name that should be applied to all these “addictions”: “Guilty-ridden weakness of the will.” This whole notion of addiction needs to be challenged much more than it ever is.

On television tonight I saw an advertisement for a help-line people can call if they wish to stop smoking. It runs something like this:

Patronising Tele-Assistant: “Smoker’s Helpline, how can I help you?”

Smoky Smokerson: “I’d like to stop smoking.”

Patronising Tele-Assistant: [incredibly cheerful tones]. “Well, you’ve taken the right step!”

Then we get a bunch of snapshots of the kinds of help and advise you can expect if you call the Smoker’s Helpline:

[terribly concerned] “So, how have you been getting on with quitting?”

[terribly inquisitive] “Have you tried patches or gum?”

[terribly helpful] “I can send you some information if you like.”

I’m think of cashing in on the addict-help market myself by setting up my own helpline service.

Smoky Smokerson: “ “I’d like to give up smoking”

Me: “Have you tried not buying cigarettes or lighting the ones you currently own?”

Smoky Smokerson: “Ummm…well, no, I was talking to this other guy who said something about patches or gum.”

Me: “Yes, indeed, perhaps you could get a great big patch, superglue it over your mouth so you can’t get the cigarettes in even though you really want to. Gum would be useless after this.”

Smoky Smokerson: “Can you send me any information?”

Me: “Stop buying cigarettes. Stop accepting cigarettes when offered. I can put this into writing and mail it to you if you wish if you haven‘t quite grasped the spoken word.”

Here’s the cold hard truth. If you really don’t want to smoke you won’t. I’m sick and tired of people moaning that they can’t give this or that up. Yes you fucking can. Take smoking, the most popular example. Just what are people saying when they claim to be addicted to it? It’s hardly a genetic trait that we can do little about, like having blue eyes. There is no “must-suck-on-cigarettes gene.” The language of addiction suggests irresistibility: the smoker can’t do other than smoke. Now, my knowledge of physics is patchy but as far as I’m aware there is no magnetic field surrounding people that sucks them into the local store and fixes their eyes on the cigarette section. As far as I’m aware there is no vocal compulsion, perhaps similar to tourettes, that forces people to utter “20 Regal Kingsize please” against their will. And I have yet to hear a scientist expounding a theory of the irresistible universal physical mechanism by which someone’s hand is twisted behind their back to fetch the wallet.

The human spirit is much more robust than our new breed of pseudo-psychologists make out, with their nonsense that people are helpless victims of some monster - gambling, violence, smoking, burgers - over which they have no control. The truth is that it’s very easy not to gamble, smoke, punch someone, eat burgers. How don’t you gamble? You simply don’t perform the physical actions necessary to placing a bet: walking into a book-makers, lifting a pen, and selecting the 200-1 blind horse with three legs and a limp. How don’t you smoke? You don’t lift and cigarette, stick it in your mouth and light it. How don’t you eat junk food? You eat something else. It’s dead easy - in fact you eat all other food in exactly the same way! Fuck! The wonders of the human mouth and digestive system. How don’t you bid on eBay? You don’t log on to the internet, or if you do you don’t type www.ebay.com into the address bar of your browser.

I’ll never buy into the psycho-babble about chemicals in the brain, peer-pressure, blah blah blah. Human beings are not determined or caused to act in the ways that they do. We choose our behaviour. We choose to act or not act in certain ways. Our concepts of morality and justice would be nonsense if this wasn’t so. And it's defeatist weak-willed bollocks to suggest otherwise and whine about being addicted to something as if it isn’t in your power to change. As long as physical actions remain voluntary - and they do - the notion of addiction as an irresistible power is nonsense. What I find if you dig a little deeper is that smokers who want to give up will give up. Those who continue smoking do so because they want to: not because they’re forced to by something outside their own control. If they whine about trying to give up I can only conclude that, given the increasing social unacceptability of smoking, they wish to appear more noble by making a half-hearted attempt to stop something that they really don’t want to but feel guilty about.

My parents were on the receiving end of a rant to this effect earlier this evening on one of my visits. My smart-arsed father retorted: “you fucking addicted to ranting about everything.”

No father. I choose to do it because I enjoy it.

Stephen Graham B.Th (Hons)

A-cock-alypse Now

A-cock-alypse Now

IS IT A BIRD?

IS IT A PLANE?

IT’S….IT’S…YES, IT’S A FUCKING BIRD! RUN, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!

Ahem. What the hell is going on? Mass panic is breaking out and I’m sitting here wondering what all the bloody fuss is about. Apparently the apocalypse is upon us. Although since it’s caused by birds I prefer to call it the a-cock-alypse. Anyhow, we’re on the cusp of disaster. Staring into the abyss. Seemingly Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds” was a piece of prophecy. But I find myself terribly under-whelmed by it all. The biggest reaction the bird flu panic has stirred in me is a shrug of the shoulders and a slight feeling of pity for the millions of chickens and ducks that have floored it. Poor buggers. But some people are on their soap boxes screaming at us in shrill tones fitting of a 17th century street preacher. And much of this doomsday preaching is coming from the very people who typically sneer at this sort of fear-mongering.

Many on the political left are utterly dismissive of any talk of a global terrorist threat and of specific terror alerts, and jeer at the panic such things typically cause. They get concerned when our liberties are threatened by draconian legislation aimed at countering this supposed threat. Orwellian becomes the new buzzword. Strangely, they’re much more likely to join in the bird flu panic, and far more ready to embrace, and even suggest, some new legislative changes in order to counter it. From some quarters we are warned that a bird flu pandemic is no longer a matter of “if” but a matter of “when.” Some commentators might as well be reading from the Book of Revelation when they paint their end-of-the-word-as-we-know-it scenario. Hundreds of millions will die. Entire cities will be wiped out. What they fail to realise is that this kind of reaction is fear-mongering in just the same way as the over-reaction to the global terrorist threat is.

Now, just like terrorism bird flu is a real problem. But, again like terrorism, it’s being made out to be an end of the world apocalypse that it isn’t. Most commentators on the bird flu problem constantly talk about the worst possible “what if” scenario regardless of how unlikely it actually is. “What if bird flu mutates into a highly lethal and highly contagious disease? We’re doomed if we don‘t act now.” Mike Davis, the radical-left author of The Monster at Our Door: The Global Threat of Avian Flu, says that America is suffering from “acute apocalypse denial.” He presents his work as a dialogue between himself and the four new horsemen of the apocalypse: Oil, Proliferation [of weapons], Global Chaos and Plague. “Is your first name Bubonic?” Davis asks Plague, who replies: “No, that's my cousin. I'm the avian influenza pandemic. . . You're so terrified of the shadows your rulers project on the wall that you can't see us standing here, right outside your door.” Plague then promises that “[no longer will] your affluent classes [be] sheltered from the bitter winds of history.” Cue creepy exorcist music. Sorry Mr Davis but you sound little different to the fire and brimstone preachers who promise us disaster and destruction if we continue in our immoral godless ways. And yet when I hear this debate between the various doomsday preachers - terrorist and bird flu - I can’t help but think it’s a silly little playground squabble: “your daddy might kick my daddy’s arse but my apocalypse is bigger than your apocalypse.”

Obviously bird flu cannot be ignored. But what we need is a rational and measured response. Instead of a rational and measured response to bird flu the media has turned the problem into a political issue that should terrify us. The media coverage is going just a little OTT and a tad insane. One “expert” was given airtime so he could inform the British public that they should “look out for suspicious bird deaths.” What the fuck does a suspicious bird death look like? Will a bird be flying merrily on its way and suddenly drop out of the sky foaming at the mouth? What bullshit. Stop spouting wacky nonsense in my ear and tell us the fucking facts for a change. The facts should not be ignored for the sake of a good piece of speculation. And we should remember some important facts with regards to bird flu. Despite being warned of millions of deaths there have been a mere 117 confirmed cases of the disease in humans, and only 60 people have died in the entire continent of Asia. For God sake! Isn’t there like a gazillion people in Asia? 60 people isn’t much to worry about. It’s statistically irrelevant. In fact, normal flu is far more deadly, as is the common cold. Moreover, it is mostly people in regular contact with infected birds who are at risk. And, according to one scientist the main way of catching the disease is "by inhaling infected faeces which have dried out and infiltrated the air." So basically we should avoid breathing in chicken shit as far as possible? Damn it. That habit of mine will be a hard one to break.

The correct response to this problem should be to ask how big it actually is and what should be done about it. Yet recent commentary constantly swaps the facts for the speculation. Attention is focused on the H5N1 virus subtype, which has been known, since 1997, to transmit from bird to human and which can mutate rapidly. But to go from this to warnings of 100 million dead with entire cities turned to shite is to assume that the transmission from bird to human will become massively more frequent, and that it will then mutate into a form that can be easily transmitted from human to human. The truth of the matter is that at present bird flu does not easily transmit from human to human, and experts haven’t got a fucking clue whether such transmission will become more common. As virologist Colin Fink states: “The change that’s got to take place before a human epidemic starts is the organism has to develop the ability to pass between humans and at the moment it doesn’t. It only passes between birds and, if there’s a big enough dosage, occasionally birds and humans.” And only then if we breathe a high enough dosage of bird shit, apparently.

Perhaps there is another agenda going on here. Is there any particular reason why lefties have got themselves in a flap about bird flu? Indeed there might well be. Causing a little bird flu panic might just make it easier for them to get certain legislation they want for other reasons. For instance, as with the SARS panic a few years ago, left-liberals, and particularly those of environmentalist bent, have called for restrictions on global travel. They don’t like our jet-set lifestyle and lament that we are destroying Mother Earth. And so they are desperate to put an end to it. What an opportunity bird flu offers them! Furthermore, many liberals have a problem with city life generally. City life is congestion. City life is capitalism. City life is a million miles away from the pre-industrial era many of these fucksticks seemingly would like to see return. They hate cities and many are outspoken critics of the desire to build cities in the third world. And yet again bird flu gives them a good argument, as Mr Mike Davis argues: “large concentrations of humans’ help to increase the speed of evolution of viruses.” Of course, no leftist commentary is complete without a knock against globalisation, and thus Mr Davis continues with: “globalisation and global air travel have made the spread of a pandemic, once started, almost instantaneous.” So, while anti-terrorist scaremongers simply require that we be barred from carrying lighters and penknives onboard flights, the bird flu doomsayers wish to stop us flying altogether. It seems to me that causing bird flu panic is a convenient cover for other agendas.

So, with the left engaging in cynical opportunism and the media churning out its typical OTT panic-stricken emotionalism, I’ll not be getting too upset about bird-flu. Perhaps when the facts or the science changes I’ll take notice. Until that time I’m sure I’ll be forgiven if I write off the doomsayers as just another bunch of cocks that deserve to be culled.

Stephen Graham B.Th (Hons)

Grumpy Young Man vrs Senile Old Prick

Grumpy Young Man Vrs Senile Old Prick

Just when you got worried about the level of child abuse among Catholic priests it has emerged that we should perhaps be equally astounded at the unbelievable intellectual fuckwittery too. During a question and answer session regarding IRA decommissioning Fr Alec Reid, one of the church witnesses to the supposed act of disarmament, opened his mouth only to let fly with a tirade of venomous spew against unionists and protestants.

As the discussion got rather heated Father Reid angrily stated his view that unionists should be “ashamed of themselves” for their behaviour during the troubles. They “treated nationalists almost like animals,” and are in the same category as Nazis: “It was like the Nazis treatment of the Jews.” Well pardon the fuck right outta me Father, but perhaps there’s just a teeny tiny chance that your memory’s gone a tad askew. Perhaps there’s just a minute possibility that your recollection of history is a smidging on the dodgy side. And perhaps there’s at least a small dollop of plausibility in the suggestion that you’re a senile old prick who should be strapped to a bed in a straight jacket.

Maybe all those news reports that I watched over the years simply got it wrong about the 1800 deaths visited on us unionist “Nazis” by the republican “heroes” that you might seek to glorify for yet another brave, courageous and generous move towards peace and prosperity. Was it just a dream when I sat watching Patrick Magee's ramblings of rapture in defence of his killing of civilians (nazis?) in a Brighton hotel? Was it unionist nazis who targeted 2 pubs, murdering 21 civilians and injuring nearly 200 others, in Birmingham? Were the 10 workmen coming back from their day’s chores at Kingmills in South Armagh just a bunch of unionist nazis over whom a tear needn‘t be shed? And the shoppers in Belfast on Bloody Friday, on which the IRA blitzed the city with over 20 bombs (no warning given for any of them) more nazis, eh Father? It was fantastic that the IRA blew up that Nazi barracks cleverly disguised as a fish shop on the Shankill road wasn’t it Father? And I’m sure you were rubbing your grubby little hands in glee when the freedom fighters of the Irish Republican Army took out another Nazi base - this time masquerading as a furniture shop - on the Shankill road, Father? Two babies were killed in that attack - good thing too since they might just have grown up to be new Hitlers, eh? Perhaps Father you salve your conscience when you consider the IRA attack in Enniskillen which killed 11 people at a remembrance day service because, after all, the only good Nazi is a dead one? The IRA were justified in their cause since they were merely ridding our society of the Nazis. Is that right Father? Perhaps Father you merely suffer from gross stupidity, or perhaps you labelling the unionist community as a bunch of Nazis because it makes the republican cause all the more easy to justify.

And, Father, when you compare the behaviour of me and other unionists to “nazis” I assume you mean the bunch of Germans 60 years ago? The one’s who gassed over 6 million Jews? Those nazis, father? The brainwashing totalitarian regime that caused one of the biggest wars humankind has ever seen? Those nazis, father? Now, maybe I missed out a period of Irish history when I was at school because I don’t remember studying anything like that. It seems father that you know shit all of either Irish history or European. The horror of the nazi regime is cheapened by your mindless comments, as is the suffering of those who fell foul of that regime. Your emotive language displayed an ignorance that I thought belonged only to sheep and pigs. For God sake even Sinn Fein criticised you!

What a pity you couldn’t speak of the IRA in such derogatory tones. The IRA that treated the unionist community as sacrificial animals for 30 years. And while you claim that the unionist nazis should be ashamed of themselves perhaps you could tell me why unionists by and large refuse to vote for those parties wedded to violence, whereas the poor wee oppressed innocent nationalists vote in their hundreds of thousands for a political party that is a wing of the IRA. Just how do you explain the fact that unionist won’t vote for gunmen and bombers but nationalists are more than happy to? Just who are the “nazis”, father? I’m confused. I suspect you are to.

Of course, father, you have now apologised for your remarks, but why should we take you seriously? Just what the hell is going on in the nationalist/republican community? Are you brainwashed into it? Is it just coincidence that similar comments were made earlier this year by the Republic’s President, Mary McAleese, who also ended up apologising for comparing unionist hatred of Catholics to Nazi hatred of Jews? What the hell is going on in your minds? I simply don’t think we can buy into the party line that these were just outbursts in the heat of a debate or of an interview. Mary McAleese knew she was going to be interviewed about the holocaust commemorations. Didn’t she think at all about the sorts of things that she was going to say live on air? And can we believe that you father just blurted this almost identical line out in the heat of a debate? The comparison never entered your mind until that second? You’d never entertained those thoughts before? They were alien to you until that time? I’d find more plausibility in the suggestion that you suddenly got hit by a dose of tourette’s syndrome. The truth of the matter is that we get a glimpse of what someone’s mind is really like when we hear the things they say “in the heat of the moment” or “without thinking.” Did you not expect difficult questions? Did you not expect angry challenges from some quarters? Are you really so completely inept as to blurt this stuff out without thinking about it, especially in the context of a public discussion of this sort? I simply can’t believe it myself.

What I can believe is simply that you’re a senile old prick.

Stephen Graham B.Th (Hons)